THE QUEENS IDIOTS (sneak preview)

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                             Leon Tchaikovsky’s
        THE QUEENS IDIOTS





By Leon Tchaikovsky









Leon Tchaikovsky
208 North Street
Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
17101-1124
United States of America






Other screenplays by Leon Tchaikovsky (collect them all and win an imaginary prize):

ROTFL WITH BOB

TRIALS OF A 58 YEAR OLD VIRGIN

OUR MAINE GUY

REACH FOR THE SKY

THE SIXTH DIMENSION

HITTING BOTTOM

THE LAST SOLDIER TO DIE

LIFE HURTS

MY SHORTS ARE SHOWING

PLAY BY DOZENS

THIS FILM IS A HORROR

LOS ANGELES COULD DO BETTER

FINDING THE PERFECT MATE

PHISH OUT OF WATER

TIME AGAIN















FADE IN.

INT. MOVIE CONCESSION ROOM - NIGHT

ELVIS PELVOSKY, an Elvis Presley impersonator with long sideburns, walks around the concession room.

ELVIS
My name is Elvis. I know what
you’re thinking, and, yes, my
parents were big fans of Elvis
Costello and long sideburns.I
want you to know there still is
plenty of time to run out and
buy some snacks and drinks
before the movie starts. So, go,
run. If you have exact cash,
that would be great. Keep the
line moving. Decide what you
want before it is time to order.
Don’t make others wait. If you
can’t decide, buy both. While
those who are getting concessions
are gone, I will reassure you that
you will miss nothing of importance
while you are gone. I am going to
cut my fingernails. For those of
you staying behind, I will tell you
no one will miss anything  big as
my character does not appear
until the end of the movie. So I
get to sit along with you and eat
and drink until its time for my role.
Let me tell you what I know that
happens in the movie to my
character. This is a spoiler alert
so if you don’t want to know, run
into the lobby and buy something
while I tell you. Run quickly as I
am about to say it. I got shot in
the buttocks. I hope while you are
sitting in your comfortable chair
that will think of the discomfort I
will have to face. Also, I can tell
you that you will not see my face
in this movie. Fortunately, you
will not see my shot buttons
Still, I have no face time. I have
the worst agent who negotiates
the worst contracts for me. My
agent still takes ten percent
of my pay. At least my agent does
not get ten percent of my buttocks,
which you do not get to see.
Although my agent might as well
take ten percent of my buttocks
for everything else my agent takes.
Now, I fear some of you did not
follow my instructions and you are
holding up the line deciding between
pop corn and candy. There’s always
someone like that in the group. Buy
both. That way you will not return and
gripe the entire movie about how you
should have bought both. Idiots! Then
again, this movie is about idiots, so
maybe some of you will identify with
the characters. So, sit back, and enjoy
the idiots in this movie. The others
should be back from concessions any
moment now. We’ll wait for them.
While we wait, so no one misses
anything, I will just cut my fingernails.

Elvis removes finger clippers from his pocket.

Elvis cuts his fingernails.

Elvis cuts a fingernail too close to the skin.

ELVIS (cot’d)
Ow! Does anyone have a bandage?

Elvis looks into the camera.

ELVIS (cont’d)
Not one of you has a band aid?

Elvis puts his hurt finger in his mouth.

Elvis removes his hurt finger from his mouth.

ELVIS (cont’d)
That hurts more than getting shot
in the buttocks. And I should know.

Elvis blows onto his hurt finger.

ELVIS (cont’d)
OK, everybody should be back
by now. If not, just whisper to them
that I got shot later in the buttocks
and they will be all caught up.
And tell them next time to buy their
concessions before they sit down.

INT. CLIF’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

OTTO VAN KLAPP, a professional bumbling criminal, EDY SEEDS, who is Otto’s college age intern, look at CLIFF BURGERT, a middle aged owner and operator of this Queens, New York pawn shop.

Otto holds a mallet.

Otto looks at a photograph he holds of a man in his twenties.

Edy looks at the same photograph.

OTTO
It doesn’t look like him.

EDY
Maybe it’s an old picture.You know,
like when some hundred year old
guy’s obituary runs his high school
graduation photo.

OTTO
An important lesson. Make sure
you ID your client’s victim. You
don’t get paid if it’s the wrong
guy.

EDY
It’s just a bad photo. Hasn’t
this guy anything more recent
on his Facebook page? Maybe
he only posts photos of the food
he eats.

OTTO
Even that would be helpful. We
could see if he is eating his last
Facebook photo.

EDY
We could break into his apartment
and look at his fridge and compare
it to his Facebook photos.

OTTO
I’ll use the old fashioned method.
Watch and observe.

Otto walks up to Clifford.

Edy walks with Otto.



OTTO (cont’d)
Are you Cliff Burgert?

CLIFF
Yes. Who wants to know?

OTTO
You’re not Cliff Burgert, Sr.
or say, Cliff Burgert the third,
and there is a Cliff Burget the
fourth.

CLIFF
No.

OTTO
There isn’t another Cliff
Burgets with a pawn shop in
Queens, is there?

EDY
You take a terrible photograph.


CLIFF
Pardon?

OTTO
I’m guessing you didn’t age
well.

CLIFF
What do you want?

Otto walks to the front door.

Otto locks the door.

CLIFF (cont’d)
Hey, what are you doing?

EDY
We’re delivering a message.

CLIFF
From who?

EDY
I don’t know.

Cliff glances looking confused towards Edy.

EDY
No, seriously. I’m just an
intern. I forgot to remember
who the message is from.

Edy removes a bunch of papers from a pocket.

Edy reads through the papers.

OTTO
Let’s just say you have a
debt to pay.

CLIFF
I guess this is payback. Is
this from Sal Petroccino?

Edy turns the paperwork to a particular page.

EDY
Yes. There it is. Sal
Pettroccino hired us

OTTO
Next lesson. Do not give
out the name of the client.

CLIFF
I can give you money to
forget the whole thing.

EDY
How much?

CLIFF
Two grand.

Edy confers whispering with Otto.

OTTO
Sal is our client.

EDY
Sal is paying one thousand.
Two grand is more.

OTTO
We’re professionals with a
reputation. You lose respect
as a criminal, no one will
trust you..

EDY
We could take Cliff’s two
grand, tell Sal we did the
job, and we clear three grand.

OTTO
What happens when Sal sees
Cliff walking around without a
broken leg?

EDY
Its a miracle of modern medicine.

OTTO
You take a job, you do a job.

Otto and Edy grab Cliff.

Otto and Ed shove Cliff onto a chair.

Eddy moves another chair in front of Cliff.

Edy holds Cliff still from behind.

Otto places one of Cliff’s legs on top of the vacant chair.

Otto aims his mallet by tapping on the top of Cliff’s leg.

Otto raises his mallet as high as he can lift it.

OTTO (cont’d)
You can tell your friends you’ve
been serviced by the Queens
Edy Otto.

CLIFF
WAIT! You’re the Queens Idiots?

OTTO
No, we’re the Queens Eddy Otto.

EDY
I’m Edy and he’s Otto. I put my
name first so he’d have to redo
all his signs and business cards
if he doesn’t hire me after my
internship.

CLIFF
My assistant hired you to break
Sal Petroccino’s leg.

Otto puts the mallet down.

OTTO
Check the paperwork.

Edy looks through her papers.

EDY
I made a typo.

Edy shows Otto a paper.

CLIFF
You keep a record of your
criminal acts on you?

OTTO
I’m sorry. You are right. It
was a clerical error.

EDY
I’m new on the job. I confused
the client with the victim.

Otto shows the photograph to Cliff.

OTTO
Is this Sal Petroccino?

CLIFF
Yes.

EDY
I am very sorry we almost
broke your leg.

Otto hands a piece of paper to Cliff.

OTTO
Here is a ten percent off
discount coupon on your
next bone fracture hire.

CLIFF
You carry around discount
coupons?

OTTO
We will get right on your
contract immediately.


EDY
But we have a pre-scheduled
knee in half an hour. It’s
only two blocks away at 219…

CLIFF
Don’t give out the address!

OTTO
We’ll push the knee capping
back to show our commitment
to your hire. If you want, I’ll
throw in a free broken nose.

CLIF
Out! Out you idiots!

INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

SAL PETROCCINO, a middle age barber with a mustache and wearing a serpent ring, sits in his empty barber shop with distinctive wallpaper.

Otto enters the shop.

Edy enters the shop.

Ely shows Otto the photograph.

EDY
It could be him.

OTTO
You Sal Petroccino?

SAL
Yeah.

OTTO
You don’t have a son, Sal, Jr.,
do you?

SAL
I do. So what?

Otto shrugs at Edy as he takes the photograph from Edy.

Otto shows the photograph to Sal.

OTTO
Is this you or your son?

SAL
Where’d you get that?

EDY
From your MySpace page.

SAL
I haven’t been on that site
for decades.

EDY
It shows.

OTTO
No one ages well around here.

SAL
Hey, I go to a gym.

EDY
Do you know any good gyms around
here? We had to give a beat down on
the owner of the last gym I went to.

Otto walks to the front door.

Otto locks the door.

Otto flips over the “OPEN” sign on the door.

Otto sees the other side of the “OPEN” side also reads “OPEN”.

SAL
Hey, you can’t do that!

OTTO
I agree.

Otto throws the Open sign onto the floor.


EDY
We’re the Queens Edy Otto.
We’re here to deliver a message
to you from Sal Petrocnno.

SAL
I’m Sal Petrocinno.

Edy looks through her papers

OTTO
I meant a message from
Clifford Bergert.

SAL
Yeah, here’s the ten thousand.

Sal picks up a large garbage bag.

OTTO
Pardon?

SAL
He gave me to the end of the
day to pay him. Here it is.

Otto confers with Edy whispering.

EDY
Collecting money is not in
our contract.

OTTO
Your next lesson: you have to
have flexible responses to
changing work environments.

EDY
I wanted to learn how to break
a leg.

OTTO
Market conditions have changed.

Otto grabs the garbage bag.

EDY
Pleasure doing business with you.

Edy hands Sal a business card and a piece of paper.

OTTO
That is our business card and a
price list of just some of the
services we offer.

SAL
You carry a price list of felonies?

INT. CLIFF’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

Cliff sits behind a counter.

Otto enters carrying the garbage bag.

Edy enters.

CLIFF
What’s this?

OTTO
The ten grand that Sal owes you.

CLIFF
What ten thousand?

OTTO
The ten thousand he was to pay
you by the end of the day or we’d
break his leg.

CLIFF
He doesn’t owe me ten grand.

OTTO
What?

CLIFF
I want his leg broken because
he’s having an affair with my
wife.

EDY
I thought there was no ten
grand mentioned in the
paperwork.

Cliff opens the garbage bag.

CLIFF
There are hair clippings!

OTTO
What?

CLIFF
You didn’t think to look and
count the money?

OTTO
I trusted him.

EDY
He did look trustworthy.

OTTO
I consider what’s in the bag to be
between you and the contracted
victim.

CLIFF
I want you idiots to go back and
now break both his legs.

OTTO
Both legs would be an additional
cost, although with your coupon…

Cliff stares at Otto with a furious look.

OTTO (cont’d)
Although, today, I’ll comp you
the additional leg.

CLIFF
Get out!


EDY
Then, may I have your coupon
back…

CLIFF
Out!

INT. EDDY OTTO STORE - DAY

Otto stands behind an open air window facing the street.

Edy stands behind an open air window facing the street.

Edy holds out flyers to PEOPLE passing by. Some take the flyer.

The flyer reads “Queens Eddy Otto. Criminals for hire.”

Signs on the tiny storefront read “Queens Edy Otto. Criminals for hire.”

EDY
How did you get in this business?

OTTO
I didn’t do so well in school.

EDY
Bad student?

OTTO
I hardly went.

EDY
Skipped a lot?

OTTO
I learned the system early. Say
the right things, they take you
out of class for “counseling”.

EDY
What would you say?

OTTO
At Easter, the teacher commented
how most kids eat chocolate bunnies
ears first. Me, I took a hammer,
crushed the bunny on top of a
paper towel, set it on fire, took off
my clothes, and poured the melted
chocolate onto my naked body.

EDY
Wow.

OTTO
That let me miss most of first grade.

EDY
Did counseling help?

OTTO
Absolutely. I learned what other
things to say to get out of class.
Like, “I want to kill all the liberal
students”. That got me out of most
of second grade.

EDY
You were faking being psychic?

OTTO
Absolutely. You can tell I’m
perfectly fine.

EDY
I need to ask. Do you think the signs,
business cards, and flyers could
ever backfire?

OTTO
Nah. It’s called hiding in plain sight.

EDY
The cops won’t notice?

OTTO
The second amendment to the
constipation protects my right of
free speech. You can yell fire in the
middle of a theater but you can’t
set it on fire.

EDY
Wow, you got it all figured out.

OTTO
Why do you want to go into the
crime business?

EDY
My father is a hedge fund manager,
my mother a criminal defense lawyer,
and they both are into politics. I wanted
to do something to bring respect to
the family name.

OTTO
Good idea.

EDY
When the college summer internship
program let me know you were seeking
someone to participate in criminal
behavior, I thought it was some stupid
research study. When you told me it
was to be a criminal, I snatched it up.

OTTO
See, that’s why being honest works.
You want to find a criminal, you know
where to go. That is why I advertise,
advertise, advertise.

EDY
I have to write a paper on my
experience. If it gets published, that
could bring some good publicity.

OTTO
Yeah, those eggheads are good
customers. You would not believe how
many hires I get to sabotage rival
projects, or help them change the results
to prove something or other.

EDY
I hope someday we can be partners.

OTTO
Your name is already on the sign and
literature.

EDY
I mean partner as in we both get naked
and roll around in that melted chocolate.

OTTO
Good, you’re learning. Bribery is a good
way to get ahead.

EXT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - NIGHT

Otto walks mumbling to Edy.

Edy walks with Otto.

Sal locks the door to his barber shop.

OTTO
I can’t believe I forgot about that knee
capping.

EDY
I’m sorry. I thought the tire slashing was
today.

OTTO
At least that little girl knows her rival
will never ride that tricycle again.

Sal sees Otto.

Sal quickly walks away from Otto.

OTTO (cont’d)
Yo, Sal.

EDY
Thanks for the hair clippings.

ASHLEY PALMY, a uniform police officer walks past Sal and then past Otto and Edy.

SAL
If there were hair clippings in there,
then you stole the money.

OTTO
This is not about money, it’s about
illicit sex.

Ashly stops and turns around looking at Otto.

Otto looks back at Ashley.

OTTO
Hey, nosey, move along.

Ashley slowly walks away while tilting her head to listen.

SAL
Before you break my leg…

OTTO
It’s now up to both legs.

Ashley stops walking away and turns towards Otto.

Edy looks at Ashley.

EDY
Mind your own business.

SAL
I’m not having an affair with
Deb.

OTTO
Who’s Deb?

SAL
Cliff’s wife.

OTTO
We should have had that
information.

EDY
I’ll write it down.


SAL
I can prove it. I have
photos and videos.

EDY
How can you have photos
of you not having sex with…
what was the name again,
Dee?

OTTO
Reba?

SAL
Deb. She comes to my
shop, but she sees someone
else.

OTTO
Who?

SAL
She goes in the back room and
has sex with Andy Howard.

OTTO
You have photos of that?.

EDY
May I make copies? To show
Cliff, not for myself.

SAL
There are over three hundred
hours of videos.

OTTO
Can you edit it down to just
when they’re having sex?

SAL
That’s what these three hundred
hours of videos show.

OTTO
I need to see them.

SAL
All three hundred hours?

OTTO
We’ll fast forward. Just a few
hours should convince us.

EDY
And I’ll make copies and review
the rest myself. For professional
reasons only.

INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - NIGHT

Sal, Otto, and Edy sit watching the videos.

The curtains and shades are drawn.

Sal, Edy, and Otto moves their heads in unison in many directions following the action in the fast forwarded sex videos.

INT. CLIFF’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

Otto enters carrying large stacks of videos.

Edy enters carrying large stacks of videos.

CLIFF
What’s this?

OTTO
Proof that it is Andy Howard, and
not Sal who is sleeping with your
wife.

CLIFF
What?

EDY
We have over three hundred
hours of videos  of the two of
them doing it in all kinds of
positions. It is very educational
…for my internship.

CLIFF
Destroy those, you idiots.

Edy turns and whispers to Otto.

EDY
I told you I should have made
duplicates.

CLIFF
I presume this means you did
not break Sal’s legs.

OTTO
Course not. Because he’s
innocent.

CLIFF
No, he’s not. I know Andy
Howard is sleeping with Deb…

EDY
Deb! I knew her name began
with a D.

CLIFF
Andy and I are wife swappers.

OTTO
I hope Andy is lending you a
hot wife, because you have a
super terrific wife there.

CLIFF
Which should have been none
of your business. I do not
approved Sal sleeping with my
wife.

OTTO
Good to know.

CLIFF
No go back and break both of
Sal’s legs and one arm, and
don’t let him talk his way out of
it.

OTTO
Left arm or right arm?

CLIFF
Surprise me.

EDY
Which arm would surprise you
the most?

CLIFF
Out!

INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

Sal looks out a window.

Sal runs quickly into the bathroom.

Otto enters the empty barber shop.

Edy enters the barber shop.

OTTO
Hello?

EDY
Sal?

The sound of a toilet flushing is heard.

Sal, wearing a dress and still with a mustache, emerges from the bathroom.

SAL
Sal’s not here.

EDY
Who are you?

SAL
I’m Val, Sal’s wife.

Edy turns to Otto and whispers.

EDY
I can see why Sal cheats on
her.

SAL
What did you say?

EDY
I said it may sleet later.

SAL
It’s ninety degrees outside.

OTTO
Where is Sal?

SAL
Sal was deported to Papua
New Guinea.

OTTO
What?

SAL
Immigration discovered he
only married me for a green
card.

Edy whispers to Ottl.

EDY
That explains a lot.

OTTO
Are you in touch with Sal?

SAL
Yes. Even though he was
a fake husband, he still
was the best lover I ever
had.

EDY
You should try Andy Howard.
I have nothing but good
reviews.

OTTO
Could you ask him to put
fake casts on both legs and
one arm and send me a copy?

SAL
Sure. And after a month or
so, he could return to the
neighborhood.

EDY
I thought he was deported.

SAL
He always sneaks back in.
Our border with Papua New
Guinea is easy to cross.

EDY
Meanwhile, you’re running his
business?

SAL
Absolutely. Behind every
successful businessman is a
women with a shopping list.

OTTO
Do you also shave as well
give haircuts?

SAL
Yes.

OTTO
You should try it yourself.

SAL
Let me run to the health care
supplies store—-I have to buy
a portable toilet for my
rheumatism—and I’ll call Sal
and ask him to buy three fake
casts at the Papua New Guinea
health care supplies store, and
he will take a photo for you.

EDY
Everyone will be happy.

OTTO
What could go wrong?

INT. CLIFF’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

Cliff works in his shop.

Edy enters.

Otto enters with Edy.

OTTO
We did the job.

Otto removes from a pocket a photograph of Sal wearing fake casts on both his legs and one arm.

Otto shows the photograph to Cliff.

EDY
You’re not going to see Sal
around and about for at least a
month.

OTTO
We also ran into Sal’s wife.
Talk about a real..ah,,,

CLIFF
Beauty. Yeah, she’s one gorgeous
lady, ain’t she?

EDY
Well, that depends on your taste.

CLIFF
Just between us, but I tap that
on a regular basis.

OTTO
No one should have to hear that.

CLIFF
Val is one gorgeous dame.

OTTO
To each his own.

EDY
Don’t you find it hypocritical that
you hired us to injure Sal for
sleeping with your wife while you
are sleeping with Sal’s wife?

CLIFF
I’m out for myself. What can I
say?

EDY
It’s hypocritical.

CLIFF
What do you care? You’re
criminals.

OTTO
We are criminals with dignity.
We prevent disorder.

CLIFF
Did you notice how Val didn’t
object to Sal’s bones being broken?

EDY
She really didn’t get the chance to…

OTTO
We can honestly say she offered no
objection.

CLIFF
Of course not. Val and I share our
secret and the joke is on Sal.

OTTO
I strongly agree with your keeping
an affair with Val a secret.

EDY
Still, it is wrong. Here is your money
back.

OTTO
WHAT? I am sure my intern…

CLIFF
You judge me? I’ll take your money back.
Now get out!

EXT. OUTSIDE OF SAL’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

Otto exits Sal’s Pawn Shop.

Edy exits Sal’s Pawn Shop.

OTTO
We don’t make a profit my returning
client’s payments.

EDY
We didn’t really do the job. We don’t
deserve the money.

OTTO
The customer is happy. We delivered
that satisfaction. Let this be your
next intern lesson: you take the
money.

EDY
It is wrong to take money from
from someone having an affair upset
over someone else having an affair.

OTTO
That’s our customer base!

EDY
We need standards.

OTTO
You want standards in criminal
activity? Tell that to a judge.

EDY
Even you said crime should help
preserve the natural disorder.

OTTO
The first order we preserve is
our profit margin.

EDY
To preserve order, we need to
have a talk with Val.

OTTO
I can’t possibly see how that
could go wrong.

INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP- DAY

MALCOLM STANFORD, a man wearing a dress, sits in a barber chair wearing a hot towel over his head.

Sal, wearing a dress, shaves and cuts Malcolm’s hair.

MALCOLM
It is good to find a transvestite
friendly barber.

SAL
Malcolm, please spread the word.
For one month, I offer specials
for anyone wearing a dress.

Otto enters.

Edy enters.

Otto waves for Sal to walk over for a private talk.

SAL
Here for a haircut?

EDY
No, we’re here to cut you a new
one,

SAL
Pardon?

OTTO
We’re upset that we were hired to
hurt Sal for having an affair with
Cliff’s wife while Cliff was having
an affair with you.

SAL
WHAT? My wife…I mean,, I was….
having an affair with Cliff? I had
no idea.

EDY
Huh?

SAL
I mean, yes, of course I was. I
just didn’t ever suspect that Cliff
and I were having an affair.

OTTO
Huh?

SAL
I mean…I didn’t suspect that
anyone knew.

OTTO
I understand why Cliff wouldn’t
want anyone to know.

EDY
Let me say: Shame on you.

SAL
Absolutely. Shame on myself.
If I ever get ahold of myself,
I’m going to be very cross with
myself.

EDY
Good. We’re glad we didn’t
really hut Sal. You’re just as
bad as he.

OTTO
I hope this teaches you a
lesson. There are consequences
for actions.

SAL
I have learned. I am putting an
end to that relationship with Cliff.

EDY
Good.

Sal looks away from Otto, Edy, and Malcolm.

Otto leaves a discount coupon on top of Malcolm, still wearing a towel over his head.

OTTO
Have a coupon.

Edy turns and exits.

Otto turns and exits.

Malcolm removes the towel, folds the coupon, and puts it in a pocket.

SAL
I am sorry about that, Malcolm.
I just received bad news.

MALCOLM
Sorry to hear that.

SAL
You know my wife, Val.

MALCOLM
She is a hottie.

SAL
It turns out she’s having an
affair.

MALCOLM
That’s terrible.

SAL
I am so angry, I want revenge.

MALCOLM
I can help. I learned about some
people who could, say, break her
legs for you.

SAL
You know such people?

MALCOLM
They’re very affordable.

SAL
I would appreciate your arranging
for them to break Val’s legs. Make
sure it can’t be traced back to me.

MALCOLM
Say no more. Give me the money,
and I’ll arrange it so Val will be
not be walking to her affair for a
long time.

EXT. OUTSIDE EDY OTTO STORE - DAY

Edy sits inside the store looking outside.

Otto sits inside the store looking outside.

Malcolm walks up to Edy and Otto.

MALCOLM
I’d like to hire you to break
someone’s legs.

OTTO
You’ve come to the right
place. We have a leg up
over our competitors.

MALCOLM
I have a coupon.

Malcolm hands the coupon to Otto.

EDY
Very good. If you hire us
three times, you get a
toaster. I’ll enroll you in
our frequent cryer program.
What is your name?

MALCOLM
Malcom Stanford.

Edy writes Malcolm’s name on a card.

Edy stamps the card,

EDY
Here is your membership card.

MALCOLM
Are you familiar with Val
Petroccino?

OTTO
We are.

MALCOLM
Isn’t she the most gorgeous
woman you’ve ever seen?

OTTO
I must say, people in this
neighborhood have unique
tastes.

MALCOLM
Be prepared to be shocked.

EDY
I’m holding onto my chair.
Well, actually I’m stuck, as
I think I left some gum on it.

MALCOLM
Val is having an affair with
Cliff Bugert.

OTTO
We’ve heard.

MALCOLM
Of course you have. I know
anyone would be so proud
of having an affair with Val
that he would go around
bragging about it.

OTTO
I advised him not to.

MALCOLM
Sal wants  you to break Val’s
legs.

EDY
We can do that.

Malcolm hands Edy a wad of money.

Edy counts the money.

MALCOLM
Justice will be served.

OTTO
We criminals are firm believers
in justice.

INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

Sal, wearing a dress, sits alone in the shop.

Edy enters.

Otto, holding a mallet, enters with Edy.

OTTO
Hello, Val.

SAL
Back already?


EDY
We’re here to break your
legs.

SAL
What?

OTTO
Your husband Sal is very
ashamed of your affair with
Cliff.

SAL
I am. I mean, I mean, he is.
But I never hired you, I mean,
he would never hire you to
break my legs.

EDY
You’d be surprised.

SAL
I really am, believe me.

Edy grabs Sal to hold Sal still.

Otto raises his mallet aimed at Sal’s legs.

OTTO
This lesson is for your own good.

SAL
I seriously doubt that.

EDY
This will hurt us more than it will
you.

SAL
Then let’s switch places.

OTTO
Prepare yourself.

SAL
WAIT!

OTTO
Why?

SAL
Did Malcolm Stanford hire you?

EDY
That’s confidential. But, yes,
he did.

OTTO
Your next intern lesson is learning
what the word confidential means.

SAL
I asked Malcolm to hire you.

OTTO
Are you a masochist? We have a
discount program for masochists.

SAL
No, you idiots. I hired you to
break my wife’s…I mean…my
husband’s….I mean…just me
a minute…I asked Malcolm to
hire you to break Cliff’s leg..He
needs to be punished, for
seducing poor innocent me.

EDY
i am very sorry. I have been
having all kinds of trouble
keeping the paperwork straight.

OTTO
Edy, you need to keep better
records. This is ruining our
reputation.

EDY
You were there when the client
presented his order.


OTTO
I wasn’t paying attention. That’s
your job.

SAL
You keep written records of your
works?

OTTO
I’m very sorry. Give her a discount
coupon. And tel Malcolm he gets
a free stamp.

EDY
Just so you know, your husband is
having an affair with Cliff’s wife?

SAL
The cad.

EDY
I’ve seen the videos. He is quite
the brilliant lover.

SAL
Thank you.

EDY
What?

SAL
I mean, I taught Sal everything
he knows.

EDY
Now I understand why guys
find you so attractive.

OTTO
Due to the confusion, we will
offer to also break Sal’s legs,
free of charge.

SAL
That’s OK. I forgive him.

EDY
You’re a very understanding
woman.

SAL
When you have such a great
lover, it is unfair that you not
share him with others. It is
my gift to the world.

Edy whisper to Sal.

EDY
In that case, when Sal gets
back, have him give me a call.

SAL
Slip me your phone number, and
I will give you a call…I mean,
have Sal give you a call.

OTTO
Let’s go and break Cliff’s legs.

INT. CLIFF’S PAWN SHOP - DAY

VAL PETROCCINO, a beautiful woman, and Cliff embrace and kiss passionately.

CLIFF
Oh, Val, now that your husband
is immobilized for a month, we
can meet without any worries.

VAL
Darling, this is wonderful.
Nothing can go wrong.

Otto enters carrying a mallet.

Edy enters with Ottl

Cliff and Val promptly break away from their embrace.

CLIFF
Yes, ma’am, I have exactly
what you’re looking for.

Cliff reaches without looking and picks up the item closet to his hand, which is a jock strap.

EDY
Who pawns a jock strap?

VAL
They are…quite collectable..

CLIFF
It’s a rare antique which
would be a most suitable
addition to your collection.

CLIFF
This jock strap was worn by
two New York Mets players.

OTTO
At the same time?

EDY
So, Cliff, you remember us?

CLIFF
As much as I try to forget,
yes.

EDY
We have a message from Sal
Petroccino’s wife.

Cliff looks inquisitively at Val.

Val shrugs her shoulders confused.

VAL
I’ve never seen them before in
my life.

EDY
What are you talking about?

VAL
I’m Sal Petroccino’s wife.

OTTO
Oh, no…you know what this
means?

EDY
Absolutely, I finally figured
it out.

OTTO
Sal has two wives.

VAL
He what?

EDY
I know this comes as a
shock.

Val collapses and sits in a chair looking faint.

VAL
I had no idea.

OTTO
The other wife is always
the last to know.

VAL
Because then she kills
her husband.

EDY
We are running a special
this month on homicides.

VAL
Tell me, is the other wife
pretty?

OTTO
Some seem to think so.

VAL
I knew once I lost my
beauty, Sal would look
for someone else

OTTO
I don’t think that’s it.

EDY
Meanwhile, we have some
breaking news to discuss
with Cliff.

Otto swings his mallet menacingly.

CLIFF
What? This second wife
wants to harm me?

VAL
Stop! I am the aggrieved
party, not…”her”.

EDY
You have a point.

VAL
You’re said you’re running
a special on homicide?

OTTO
Yes, until the end of the
month.

VAL
I’ll pay double if you agree
not to hurt Cliff.

EDY
I am sorry, but we are
professionals, and when
we are hired, we deliver
on our job, regardless.

OTTO
Let’s not be hasty. You
said “double”?


VAL
I’ll pay you double your
rate.

EDY
Is that double our normal
rate, or double our special
discount rate?

VAL
Double your special discount
rate. What, you think I’m a
fool?

OTTO
We accept. We’ll be on our
way.

VAL
Wait. Don’t you know who I
wanted killed?

EDY
It would help if we put that
down on our paperwork.

VAL
I want you to track down where
in Papua New Guinea Sal is
recovering, and then put him
out of his misery.

EDY
You want us to give him
pain pills?

VAL
Whatever it takes to kill
him. After he is dead,
you will see he wears
a serpent ring. Remove
the ring and deliver it
to me.



INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

Sal, wearing a dress, is alone in his shop.

Edy enters.

Otto enters with Edy.

SAL
Is it done?

OTTO
We…are…still looking for
Cliff.

EDY
We have another job, and
we need your help. Sal
called us.

SAL
I did? I mean, he did?

OTTO
He hired us to help him
smuggle back into the
Queens.

SAL
Noooooo.

OTTO
The only problem is,
he called us from a
pay phone and he ran
out of money before
he could tell us where
in Papua New Guinea
he is.

EDY
We figured you could give
us the address.

SAL
Why, ah…yes, he is hiding
out at the Port Moresby
Motel Seven in room 201.

OTTO
Thank you. We promise
you shall soon see your
husband again.

EDY
We’ll bring him back if its
the last thing he does.

Otto shoots a glaring look at Edy.

OTTO
We promise to deliver
him right to you.

EXT. EDY OTTO STORE - DAY

Otto types on a computer looking out onto the street.

Edy types on a computer looking out onto the street.

EDY
I can’t find any driving
instructions to Port Moresby,
Papua New Guinea.

OTTO
It seems we have to fly
there.

EDY
Aren’t there any trains?

OTTO
No. I tell you, our nation
has lousy train service.
How much more would it
cost to build tracks to Papua
New Guinea.

EDY
Is it correct to call the place
Papua New Guinea?

OTTO
You are correct. See if you
can find driving directions to
Papua New Italian.

EDY
Something is amiss. Did you
notice that Val Petroccino was
wearing a serpent ring?

OTTO
I did. You know what that means?

EDY
Yes, that awful Sal wears the same
right Val does.

OTTO
I just booked us a flight to Port
Moresby. It leaves soon.

EDY
Good. Just as long as I am back
before dinner. I have to drive my
mother to the hospital for her
heart transplant surgery.

OTTO
I am sure we can get a flight back
in plenty of time.

INT. PORT MORESBY HIDEOUT MOTEL HALLWAY - DAY

Otto stands in front of room 201.

Edy stands in front of room 201.

OTTO
I will admit Port Moresby is
further away than I thought
it was.

EDY
Yeah. At least it wasn’t
further away, like in California.

OTTO
There does not seem to be a
Motel Seven anywhere.

EDY
I remember Val saying he was
in a hideout hotel, so I presume
she meant the Hideaway Hotel.

OTTO
I’m sorry about your mother.

EDY
It was her fault. She thought
she could drive herself while
having a heart attack.

Otto stands in front of the door to room 201.

OTTO
I’ll kick the door in, we run in,
grab Sal, and we strangle him
to death.

Edy removes a pistol from a concealed shoulder harness.

EDY
Or I could shoot him with my
gun.

OTTO
Where did you get a gun?

EDY
I brought it with me from Queens.

OTTO
You snuck it through airport
security?

EDY
Of course. Everyone knows
airport security looks for drugs,
not guns.

OTTO
Get ready.

Otto lifts his leg to kick the door to room 201.

LYDIA  KONIVORA, a housekeeper, opens the door from inside to room 201 and exits into the hallway.

LYDIA
Your room is now all clean.

OTTO
Thank you.

LYDIA
Nice pistol.

Lydia holds the door open to Otto.

Otto grabs the door.

EDY
Could we get an extra coffee
pack?

OTTO
Never mind that. We won’t
be needing that.

EDY
I always ask for extra coffee.
I’m trying to blend in and
act natural.

Eddy enters room 201.

Otto enters room 201.

INT. ROOM 201 - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Otto looks around the room.

Edy looks around the room.

OTTO
It’s empty.

Edy spies a cannoli.

EDY
Look, a cannoli. I know,
drop the gun and take
the cannoli.

OTTO
No, it’s drop the cannoli
and take the gun.

EDY
What would I do that?
I’ll get caught with the
gun.

OTTO
You don’t leave evidence
behind. They can tell who
you are through your
fingerprints and DNA.
Besides, you know how
much guns cost? We
would be broke if we
threw away every gun
after every homicide.

EDY
I can at least take the cannoli.

OTTO
No, leave it. You know how
many calories are in that
thing?

The sound of the doc unlocking is heard,

Edy hides behind the right side of the door as it opens.

Edy points her gun at whoever is entering.

Otto runs behind Edy.

ELSA MENDELL, dressed like a tourist, enters.

Elsa turns and sees Edy.

Elsa screams.

Edy screams.

Otto screams.  
OTTO
Where is Sal?

ELSA
Who?

`` EDY
Don’t be coy. You’re only his
latest conquest.

ELSA
What are you talking about?
What do you want?

OTTO
We know this is Sal’s room.

ELSA
This is my room. Alone. There
is no Sal here.

ELSA
You sure this is your room?

ELSA
It’s certainly not your room.

OTTO
So where is Sal?

ELSA
I don’t know a Sal.

EDY
Maybe we got bad intel.

ELSA
Who are you?

EDY
We’re exterminators.

Elsa recoils in fear.

ELSA
Don’t shoot me. I know
nothing about anyone
named Sal.

OTTO
No, we’re vermin
exterminators.

ELSA
Why do you have a gun?

OTTO
The rats here get really
big.

EDY
Yesterday, I shot a rat. It
caught the bullet with its
teeth and then spit it out.

OTTO
You don’t even want to
know how big the cockroaches
get.

ELSA
Maybe I should find another hotel.

OTTO
We are very sorry for the inconvenience.
Here, have a coupon.

Otto removes a coupon from a pocket.

Otto hands the coupon to Elsa.

Elsa takes the coupon.

Elsa reads the coupon.

ELSA
Ten percent off broken limbs?

EDY
Ahh…in case a rat breaks one
of your limbs.

Elsa throws the coupon onto a table.

EDY (cont’d)
Do you what others hotels are
around?

Edy move next to Otto,

Edy begins whispering to Otto..

EDY
What if she does know Sal?

Otto begins whispering to Edy.

OTTO
She said she doesn’t.

EDY
She could be lying.

OTTO
Why would she lie?

EDY
If she’s having an affair with
Sal, she might.

Otto turns to Elsa.

Otto speaks naturally.

OTTO
I hope you don’t mind if we stick
around and make sure no rats show
up.

EDY
Especially one named Sal.

ELSA
You name the rats?

EDY
Yes, yes we do.

ELSA
What? I should make us all coffee
and sit around and chat about cinema?

OTTO
That would be nice.

EDY
Do you have another cannoli?

OTTO
Leave the cannoli.

ELSA
Out! Both of you.

INT, HALLWAY OUTSIDE OF ROOM 201 - DAY

Otto stands in the hallway.

Edy stands in the hallway.

OTTO
We should stick around and see
if Sal shows up.

EDY
What if he doesn’t?

OTTO
We’ll follow her and see if she takes
us to Sal. I’ll teach you how to trail
someone and blend in.

EXT. OUTSIDE PORT MORESBY HIDEOUT HOTEL - DAY

Elsa, wearing a low cut blouse, exits the hotel and walks past some bushes.

Otto, holding a newspaper,wearing a fluorescent orange Hawaiian shirt, purple straw hat, polka dot pants, and fake glasses with psychic swirls on the lenses, emerges from behind the bushes.

Otto walks behind Elsa.

Edy, holding a newspaper, wearing a beanie hat, a bedazzled rhinestone shirt with lots of sparkles, fluorescent pink pants, and sunglasses with plastic pink cats on the end of each side, emerges from the bushes.

Edy walks with Otto.

OTTO
We look like typical tourists.

Otto, reading the newspaper, walks into a fire hydrant.

Elsa walks into a shop.

INT. SHOP- CONTINUOUS - DAY

Elsa enters the shop.

Otto enters the shop holding the newspaper.

Edy enters the shop holding a newspaper.

Edy trips over a wastebasket.

Lots of rubbish from the wastebasket spills across the store floor.

Elsa looks at a wrack of postcards.

Otto looks at a display of costume jewelry across from Elsa.

Elsa moves to the left looking at the cards.

Otto moves so Elsa’s view of Otto is blocked by the jewels wrack.

Elsa moves to the right.

Otto moves the jewels wrack and tips it over.

Otto quickly hides his head with his newspaper.

Elsa bends down to pick up fallen costume jewelry.

Otto, holding the paper hiding his house, bends down to pick up fallen jewelry.

Otto peaks at Elsa’s breasts.

Otto stares at Elsa’s breasts.

ELSA
Excuse me, but haven’t we met?

OTTO
No, I’ve never seen them…I mean…
you before.

Elsa rises.

Elsa places costume jewelry onto a table.

Otto rises.

Elsa turns towards the exit.

Edy, holding a newspaper hiding her face, opens the door for Elsa.

ELSA
You first.

EDY
No, you.

ELSA
I insist.

EDY
I prefer to follow.

Elsa exists.

Otto walks up to Edy.

OTTO
I don’t think she suspects a thing.

OUTSIDE PORT MOSEBY HIDEOUT HOTEL - NIGHT

Elsa sits on a bench eating a cannoli.

Otto hides behind some bushes.

Edy hides behind some bushes.

ELSA
Would you two like a cannoli?

Otto turns to Edy.

OTTO
I think she suspects.

EDY
What makes you say that?

ELSA
I can hear you.

EDY
I think you’re right.

ELSA
What do you want of me?

EDY
You want to defend you from
vicious vermin.

ELSA
I can handle myself.

Otto steps out from the bushes.

Edy steps from the bushes.

OTTO
I’ll come clean. You probably
did not notice, but we have
been following you all day.

ELSA
Have you?

OTTO
We wanted to see if you
were meeting up with a
guy named Sal.

ELSA
I thought Sal was a rat.

EDY
He is. He’s an awful man with
two wives.

ELSA
Is he Mormon?

EDY
No, Catholic. Thus, it’s a sin.

OTTO
God said the Catholics get the
alcohol and the Mormons get
the women.

ELSA
I am sorry I can’t help you.

OTTO
That’s alright. We’re professionals.
We will find other MEANS to find Sal.

EDY
I’m just an intern. I have no means.

ELSA
Well, good luck.

Otto walks away.

Edy walks away.

Elsa removes a cell phone.

Elsa dials a number.

Elsa talks on her cell phone.

ELSA
Hello. I’ve been following
them since they arrived. I
It was surprisingly easy. I
took a room where they
thought I was staying.Their
expiration dates are near.

SPLIT SCREEN: ELSA ON ONE HALF - SAL IN HIS BARBER SHOT ON THE OTHER HALF - CONTINUOUS- NIGHT

SAL
Good.

ELSA
They’re never leaving here..

SAL
Make it look like an accident.

ELSA
How they’re doing, they’re just
as apt to kill themselves.

EXT. PORT MOSEBY STREET - DAY

Otto holds a stack of papers.

Edy holds a stack of papers.

OTTO
Today, you will learn the secret
of finding someone.

Otto hands a piece of paper to WILL GLUTON, a person passing by.

OTTO
Excuse me. Have you seen
this man?

Will looks at the piece of paper.

A close-up of the paper reveals a badly drawn picture of Sal.

WILL
I’ve never seen anything like
that sober.

Will walks away.


EDY
Now I know why you asked me
to bring along a photograph of
Sal.

OTTO
Next time actually bring a photo.

EDY
My drawing is just as good.

OTTO
We pass these out and then we
follow every lead.

Otto hands a paper to HELENA TROY, a passer-by.

OTTO (cont’d)
Excuse me, have you seen this
man?

Helena takes the paper.

Helena looks at the paper.

HELENA
Oh, you said a man. I saw a horse
down the road that looks like that.

Ely turns to Otto.

EDY
Maybe Sal disguised himself as
a horse.

OTTO
That lead, we will not pursue.

Otto hands a paper to OSCAR TAMER, a passer-by.

OTTO
Excuse me, have you seen this
man?

OSCAR
How much is it worth for me to
tell you?

OTTO
Ten dollars.

Oscar holds out his hand.

Otto removes ten dollars from a pocket.

Otto places ten dollars into Oscar’s hand.

Oscar puts the ten dollars into a pocket

OSCAR
No, I’ve never seen him.

Oscar walks away.

Elsa walks by.

Otto hands Elsa a paper.

OTTO
Excuse me, have you seen
this man?

ELSA
Yes, I have.

OTTO
This is the man Sal we’ve
been talking about.

ELSA
I saw him hanging onto the
edge of the roof of the Hideout
Hotel?

EDY
What was he doing?

ELSA
It is a part of the nude sunbathing
competition.


OTTO
There is nude sunbathing on the
hotel roof?

ELSA
Doesn’t every hotel?

EDY
What would he be hanging over
the roof’s edge?

ELSA
Local tradition.

OTTO
Is he still there?

ELSA
He might be. I’ll show you
where I saw him.

OTTO
None of the travel brochures
mentioned the nude rooftop
sunbathing competitions.

EXT. PORT MOSEBY HIDEOUT HOTEL ROOF - DAY

Elsa enters onto the roof.

Otto follows Elsa onto the roof.

Edy follows Otto onto the roof.

OTTO
There is no one here.

ELSA
It must be intermission.

EDY
There’s intermission in nude
rooftop sunbathing?

ELSA
It’s very competitive sport
with strict rules.

EDY
When might Sal be back?

OTTO
We’re willing to come back
when the competition resumes.
I love watching paint dry, so I
sure watching skin tan is a
thrill.

ELSA
Sal is a dare devil nude
sunbather. He might be
practicing his hanging on
the edge of the roof sunbathing.

OTTO
Why do that?

ELSA
One gets style points.

Elsa walks to the roof’s edge.

ELSA (cont’d)
Oh, look, Sal is practicing
sunbathing dangling from
his room window.

Otto walks to the roof’s edge.

Edy walks to the roof’s edge.

Otto bends over looking where Elsa was looking.

Edy bends over looking where Elsa was looking.

Using both hands, Elsa pushes Otto over the edge with one arm and pushes Edy over the edge with the other arm.

Elsa removes a cell phone from a pocket.

Elsa dials a number on the cell phone.

Elsa speaks on the cell phone.

ELSA (cont’d)
Sal, it is done.

EXT. PORT MOSEBY HIDEOUT HOTEL GROUND LEVEL - DAY

A flat bed truck carrying a large trampoline pulls in front of the hotel.

Otto and Edy fall on the trampoline.

Otto and Edy bounce off the trampoline and fall onto the grass.

OTTO
If only we were naked. We
could have gotten style points
for that.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ROOM 201 HIDEOUT HOTEL - DAY

Otto stands in front of the room 201 door.

Edy stands in front of the room 201 door.

Otto knocks on the door.

Elsa opens the door.

ELSA
You’re still alive!

OTTO
Considering someone
pushed us off the roof.

EDY
By someone, we narrowed
it down to the only person
who wasn’t one of us.

ELSA
It was a sudden gust of
wind.

OTTO
We all know what it was.

ELSA
I presume you are here for
revenge.

OTTO
No, you are a fellow professional.
We like networking. We won’t
harm you. Professional courtesy.

ELSA
That is generous of you.

OTTO
If you agree not to try and harm
us again.

ELSA
You have my word.

EDY
Here is  discount coupon. Maybe
someday you will need our services.

INT. ROOM 201 - DAY

Elsa sits on a chair.

The BLUE JACKAL, a teenager dressed head to cover with face covered in blue leather, sits in another chair.

ELSA
You’re the Blue Jackoff?

BLUE
Jackal.

ELSA
Whatever. I have two jobs
I need to subcontract.

BLUE
Who are they?

Elsa hands  Blue two photographs, one of Otto and one of Edy.

ELSA
Here are their photographs.
I learned they are staying in
room 301 in this hotel.

A close-up of the photographs is seen.

BLUE
I recognize them. They were
in the bushes outside.

ELSA
These two are idiots. Eliminating
them should be like flushing
turds down the toilet.

BLUE
Just to be clear. When you say
“eliminate”, you want me to
flush their heads in the toilet, or
to kill them.

ELSA
Kill them.

Jackal stands.

Jackal picks up the coupon.

BLUE
What’s this?

ELSA
I don’t know. Some coupon I
never looked at. You may
have it.

EXT. EXTERIOR WALL OF HIDEOUT HOTEL - NIGHT

The Blue Jackel rappels down the side of the hotel until reaching the window in front of room 301.

The Blue Jackal removes a diamond window cutter.

The Blue Jackal cuts the window out.

The Blue Jackal throws the window out.

The voice of O. HENRY SIMPSON below is heard.

O. HENRY (o.s.)
Hey, watch where you throw
your window.

The Blue Jackal climbs into room 301.

INT. ROOM 301 - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

The Blue Jackal looks at Edy sleeping holding a teddy hear in one bed.

The Blue Jackal looks at Otto holding a doll in another bed.

The Blue Jackal removes a Glock pistol with one hand and aims the gun at Edy.

The Blue Jackal removes a Glock pistol with one hand and aims the gun at Ottl.

The Blue Jackal’s cellphone rings.

The Blue Jackal runs into the bathroom..

INT. ROOM 301 BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

The Blue Jackal answers his cellphone.

BLUE
Yes, mother. I said I’d be back by ten.
I’m in the middle of something…You
never let me do anything…I hate you
…Yes, mom, I’ll be right home.

The Blue Jackal exits the bathroom.

INT. ROOM 301 - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT

The Blue Jackal angrily lams the bathroom door.

The Blue Jackal walks to the exit door.

The Blue Jackal exits into the hallway, leaving the door open.

Edy half-awakes.

EDY
Is it me, or is there a draft
in this room?

INT. SEEDY BAR - DAY

The bar has a sign reading “Seedy Bar” along with packets of seeds for sale on the wall.

AVA REVOIR, the bartender, tends bar.

The Blue Jackal sits at a bar.

BLUE
I’ll have a bourbon with a beer
chaser, shaken, nor stirred,
with an olive.

AVA
I need to see an ID.

BLUE
I am a masked assassin. I
don’t have an ID.

AVA
I can’t serve you without an
ID.

BLUE
I’ll have an ice tea.

Edy enters the bar.

Otto enters the bar.

BLUE
How fortuitous it is seeing
you two.

EDY
You called us. You said
you had something that
would change our lives.

BLUE
I have a job I need to
subcontract.

OTTO
How did you hear about us?

BLUE
i have a coupon.

EDY
I told you leaving coupons in
fast food restaurants would
bring in customers.

BLUE
I have photographs of two
people I want whacked.

The Blue Jackal hands a photograph of Otto to Otto. A close-up of the photograph is seen.

The Blue Jackal holds a photograph pf Edy to Edy. A close-up of the photograph is seen.

OTTO
This looks like a thoroughly
disgusting person.

EDY
This woman has no sense of
make-up.

BLUE
They are staying in room 301
of the Hideout Hotel.

EDY
We know that room. We were
staying there, but it was terribly
drafty.

OTTO
Just to be clear. When you say
you want these horribly looking
people whacked do you mean
for us to slap their faces, or kill
them.

AVA
He means to kill them. What
are you two, idiots?

BLUE
Kill them dead.

EDY
When you say “kill them dead”,
do you mean to kill them while
they are alive, or to wait until
they are dead, and then kill
them?

BLUE
Just see they both die.

The Blue Jackal’s cellphone rings.

BLUE
One moment.

The Blue Jackal answers his cellphone.

BLUE (cont’d)

Yes, I did my homework…
I’m busy, mom…Bye.

OTTO
It is good you do your
homework. As do we. We
let no detail get past us.

EDY
Is “mom” the name of your
leader?

BLUE
Believe me, it is.

EXT. SIDEWALK - DAY

Otto shows the photograph the Blue Jackal gave him to passers-by.

Edy shows the photograph the Blue Jackal gave her to passers-by.

BRYAN CRANBERRY walks by.

Otto shows the photograph to Bryan.

OTTO
Excuse me, have you seen this
man?

BRYAN
Ha, ha. Where is the hidden
camera?

Edy shows the photograph to Bryan.

EDY
Have you seen this woman?

BRYAN
I don’t want to be on camera.
You two have a nice day.

Bryan leaves.

OTTO
It seems no one wants to be
associated with these unsavory
characters.

Oscar Tamer walks by.

Edy shows her photograph to Oscar.

EDY
Excuse me. Have you seen this
woman?

OSCAR
How much is it worth for me to
tell you?


EDY
Twenty American dollars.

Oscar holds his hand out.

Edy removes twenty dollars from a pocket.

Edy hands Oscar twenty dollars

OSCAR
No, I have never seen this
woman.

Oscar walks away.

OTTO
No one has seen these two.
They must be masters of
staying hidden.

EDY
They must be trouble. I’m
not looking forward to seeing
them.

OTTO
This woman has to be the most
hideous looking woman on Earth.

ILANA SIAIS, a passer-by, walks by.


EDY
The man is the ugliest creature
ever.

Ilana walks into the Seedy Planting Bar.
OTTO
Let’s switch. You search for the
ugly man and I’ll search for the
hideous woman.

EDY
Sounds good. This man deserves to
be put out of his misery.

TIM MAJORS, a passer-by, walks by.

Edy walks into the Seedy Planting Bar.

INT. SEEDY PLANTING BAR - CONTINUOUS - DAY

The interior lighting is dark and it is hard to see people until they are close to each other.

Edy enters holding the photograph of Otto.

Edy walks up to Ilana.

EDY
Excuse me. Have you seen this man?

Edy shows Ilana the photograph of Otto.

ILANA
No. If I had, I’d have scratched
my eyes out.

EDY
I understand that.

ILANA
Let me look at that again.

Ilana stares at the photograph.

Ilana dry heaves.

ILANA
I saw this atrocity a few minutes
ago. He was right outside the bar.

EDY
Good to know.

Edy turns towards the bar exit.

Edy removes a pistol and holds it as she walks towards the exit.

EXT. SIDEWALK -DAY

Otto walks up to Tim.

OTTO
Excuse me, have you seen this woman?

Otto shows Tim the photograph of Edy.

TIM
I believe she was one of my rejected photos
from a dating site.

OTTO
Do you have any idea how to find her?

TIM
If so, you’re probably the first to want
her.

OTTO
I don’t want to date her. I want to kill
her.

TIM
I understand that. You know, I saw her
a few minutes ago. She went into the
Seedy Planting Bar.

OTTO
You don’t say.

TIM
I just said so. Didn’t you hear me?

Otto walks towards the Seedy Planting Bar.

Otto removes and carries a pistol.

INT. SEEDY PLANTING BAR - CONTINUOUS - DAY

Otto, holding the pistol, enters the bar.

Edy walks towards Otto.

EDY
Hold it, you ugly man. Time to
meet your maker.


OTTO
Not if I shoot first, you ugly
woman.

EDY
Otto!

OTTO

Edy!

EDY
Let me see that photo.

Edy grabs the photo of herself from Otto.

OTTO
Let me see your photo.

Otto grabs the photo of himself from Edy.

EDY
This is terrible. We were
hired to hit ourselves.

OTTO
And at a discount.

EDY
Who would want us liked?

OTTO
There is only one name
that comes to mind.

EDY
You’re right. It has to be Cliff.

OTTO
I have a plan that will save
our lives.

Otto removes a cell phone.

Otto dials a number.

OTTO
Hello?

SPILT SCREEN - OTTON ON ONE SIDE, SAL ON THE OTHER SIDE - CONTINUOUS - DAY

CLIFF
Who is this?

OTTO
The Blue Jackal

CLIFF
The who?

OTTO
I understand. It is best you not
acknowledge you know me.

CLIFF
I don’t know you.

OTTO
Exactly.

CLIFF
What do you want?

OTTO
I took care of that Otto and
Edy for you.

CLIFF
What are you talking about?

OTTO
Exactly. You will also be glad
to know they admitted they
killed Sal, but they couldn’t
find the serpent ring

CLIFF
Don’t discuss that on the phone.

OTTO
Exactly.

CLIFF
I’m hanging up.

INT. SEEDY PLANTING BAR - CONTINUOUS - DAY

OTTO
Mission accomplished. Now we
have to rush back to Queens.

EDY
We’re supposed to be dead.

OTTO
We need to tell Val that Sal has
to play dead.

EDY
We’ll go back disguised.

OTTO
Val can cut our hair and disguise
us.

EDY
I just love her fashion sense.

INT. SAL’S BARBER SHOP - DAY

Sal sits alone on a barber chair.

Otto enters.

Edy enters.

SAL
You’re alive?

OTTO
You’re here?

EDY
Cliff tried to have us killed.

SAL
Him, too?

EDY
What are you doing here? You
need to hide from Cliff.

SAL
I told people I heal quickly.

OTTO
Cliff thinks we killed you.

SAL
That is more difficult to heal
from.

OTTO
Where is Val? We need her to
cut our hair and give us disguises
so Cliff doesn’t realize we are still
alive.

SAL
I can do that. I can cut your throats,
I mean hair, so that no one will ever
look upon you again.

EDY
You’re the best. Thank you.

OTTO
Good. You have Val create a
permanent disguise for yourself and
for both of us.

EDY
Have Val meet us at our storefront.

SAL
Isn’t that the first place anyone will
look for you?

OTTO
We shall hide in plain sight. That
never fails.


EDY
What could go wrong?

INT. OTTO EDY STORE -  NIGHT

Otto nervously walks around the store.

Edy nervously walks around the store.

Sal, dressed as Val, with his mustache, enters holding a pistol.

OTTO
Ah! A pistol! That is an excellent idea.

EDY
This is a rough neighborhood. Here,
even ten year olds are packing.

SAL
You fools. I’m not here to help you. I’m
here to kill you.

OTTO
Why kill us? We never did anything
against you, Val.

Sal removes his wig.

SAL
I’m not Val, I’m Sal.

OTTO
OK, with you had some problems.

EDY
That is a great disguise.

OTTO
I had no idea you weren’t a woman.

SAL
Any last words before you die?

EDY
I have but one regret. That I stayed
up all night for my midterms
tomorrow. I wish you had killed me
yesterday when I was more rested.

OTTO
And I have one thing to say…
Hey, Arnold!

ARNOLD DOGGONE, a ten year old, runs up to Sal pointing a pistol at Sal.

ARNOLD
Drop it, you overgrown bully.

EDY
We told you the ten year olds here
are packing.

OTTO
And now the ankle bracelet is on
the other foot.

ARNOLD
Should I plug this guy and then
ground him into tomorrow’s lunch
special?

EDY
Don’t say that out loud. That’s the
secret ingredient for the Italian
sandwiches.

OTTO
I bet you can guess what the secret
ingredient is for the Polish sausages.

EDY
And why you can only get French
fries only every so often.

OTTO
Don’t shoot Sal. I have a better idea.
Since the three of us need to hide,
we should hide together. There is
strength in numbers.

EDY
Sal does an excellent job disguising
himself as a woman.

ARNOLD
So I can’t shoot him?

OTTO
No, Arnold, you can’t shoot him/

ARNOLD
You never let me shoot anyone.
You’re running my life! I hate you!

Arnold angrily walks away.

EDY
Kids today, they’ll settle  down
once those hormones kick in.

SAL
Let’s square things away. It was me
who tried to have you killed.

OTTO
Why would you do that?

SAL
You were going to do nasty things
to me.

OTTO
With all due respect, that was our
job.

SAL
I’m not a fan of your work. Still,
we should reach a truce.

EDY
We need to hide Sal from Cliff.

OTTO
We could disguise Sa. as a woman
and say he is my mail order bride
from Italy.


EDY
Sal does a woman’s disguise so well.

SAL
If I was I was marrying you, I’d
insist on return delivery.

OTTO
You’re right. Two virile macho
men like ourselves could never
pretend to be husband and wife.

SAL
I could marry Edy. We’ll have a
gay marriage.

EDY
I’m not gay.

SAL
I’m not a woman.

EDY
That could work.

OTTO
What could possibly go wrong?

INT. QUEENS COUNTY COURTHOUSE - DAY

Sal, with his mustache, is dressed in a bridal gown.

Edy is dressed in a mens tuxedo.

Otto is dressed in a cheap leisure suit and bowtie.

Judge JUDY SHINING, is dressed wearing a judicial robe holding paperwork.

The courtroom has a water cooler.

JUDY
Please take your places.
Do you, Val….what is
the last name on this
fake green card?

SAL
Rockefeller.

JUDY
Do you, Val Rockefeller,
take Edy Seeds….

SAL
Seed?.

EDY
Yes, Seeds. You have a problem,
with that?

JUDY
Are you sure this is a legal
marriage?

OTTO
Oh, yes. You know how love
birds fight all the time.

JUDY
Do you, Val whatever, take
Edy, we won’t mention her
last name, to be your lawful
wife?

SAL
Whatever you say, Judge.

JUDY
Do you, Edy, take Val to
be your awful wife?

EDY
Did you say “awful” or
“lawful”?

JUDY
At this point, does it matter?

OTTO
Just continue.

JUDY
Do you have the rings?

OTTO
The best man has then.

JUDY
What best man?

OTTO
My best man.

JUDY
You’re not the one getting
married.

OTTO
I’m the only one with
another friend.

Cliff enters running while holding two rings.

CLIFF
Sorry I’m late. I had
trouble finding a parking
spot. We need to hurry
before someone called the
Borough President returns.

Sal whispers to Cliff.

SAL
You idiot. Why did you invite
Cliff?

Otto whispers to Sal.

OTTO
He’s the only guy who talks
to me.

SAL
By that criteria, you could have
asked the information operator.

OTTO
No, I couldn’t. I’m banned from
calling.

SAL
We’re hiding from him.

OTTO
We’re hiding in plain sight.

Cliff stands still spellbound in love.

CLIFF
I can’t let this wedding proceed.

SAL
I knew it. We’re doomed.

CLIFF
You are the most beautiful
woman I’ve ever seen. I
must have you.

Edy giggles shyly.

EDY
Why, thank you.

Cliff turns to Edy.

CLIFF
Not you.

Cliff turns to Sal.

CLIFF (cont’d)
You. There is something that
reminds me, of something, I
can’t remember what. I must
marry you.

SAL
I’m flattered. But I am the mail
order bride to Edy.

JUDY
That’s not legal.

CLIFF
I’ll pay triple.

OTTO
You already have a wife.

CLIFF
Details, details.

OTTO
And a mistress.

CLIFF
Let’s not get all technical
about this.

JUDY
Actually, we should.

SAL
I couldn’t possibly marry
you.

CLIFF
I’ll pay you a hundred
thousand dollars

SAL
Although, there is no
sense in being hasty
in our conclusions.

Otto whispers to Sal.

OTTO
Have you forgotten you
are not a woman?

Sal whispers to Otto.

SAL
Have you forgotten he
offered one hundred
thousand dollars?


OTTO
What will you do when
Cliff discovers you are
not a woman?

SAL
Give him a half price
refund?

OTTO
I don’t think that will
work.

SAL
Throw in Edy. We could
split the money.

Judy whispers to Sal and Otto.

JUDY
That would not be legal.

Cliff turns to Cliff.

SAL
I am sorry. I can’t marry
you.

CLIFF
Then if I can’t marry you,
then no one can.

Cliff pulls out a piece of soap shaped like a gun from his pocket.

Cliff points the soap gun at Sal.

JUDY
How did you get a gun past
security?

CLIFF
I carved it out of a bar of
soap.

OTTO
Then it’s not real

Cliff fires the gun into the ceiling.

ELVIS (o.s.)
Ow! Someone just shot
my tookus.

CLIFF
The firing mechanism works.

Otto slowly moves towards a water cooler.

SAL
That’s a very impressive
carving.

Otto removes an empty cup from a cup holder.

CLIFF
It was going to be your
wedding present.

Otto pours water from the cooler into the cup.

SAL
Aw, that was so thoughtful.

CLIFF
You could have defended
yourself and smelled fresh
after a shower.

EDY
A toaster would have been fine.

Cliff points the soap guy at Cliff’s head.

CLIFF
And, now, my sweet love,
goodbye.

Otto throws a cup of water on top of the gun.

CLIFF
My soap gun. It’s all sudsy.

Cliff drops the slippery soap gun.

CLIFF (cont’d)
And slippery.

Cliff bends over to pick up the gun.

Edy kicks Cliff on Cliff’s rear end.

Cliff falls to the ground.

EDY
Never drop a bar of soap
in a courtroom.

JUDY
That’s what they say. It
makes the floor all soapy.

Edy jumps on top of Cliff.

Otto jumps on top of Cliff.

Sal jumps on top of Cliff.

Sal’s wig falls off.

Edy, Sal, and Otto lift Cliff off the ground while holding onto Cliff.

Cliff looks at Sal.

CLIFF
Sal!

SAL
Yes, it’s me. I was disguised
in order to hide from you.

CLIFF
That was an excellent disguise.
I never suspected you weren’t
a woman.

JUDY
Seriously?

SAL
Judge, If Cliff agrees to let bygones
be bygones, we’ll agree not to
press charges

CLIFF
I agree. Let’s be friends. After all,
you would have made a sexy
woman.

JUDY
This man still brought a gun into
a courtroom. He could be imprisoned
for seven years.

CLIFF
Yes, but with good behavior, I could
be out in six years and eleven
months.

Judy looks lovingly into Cliff’s eyes.

JUDY
Those eyes. I see a man willing
to make amends and change.

SAL
Quite frankly, if anyone has been
changing, it’s been me.

JUDY
If this man is willing to be placed
under my custody, I won’t report
this incident.

ELVIS (o.s.)
Do I have any say in this matter?

Cliff,Otto, Edy,and Judy look at the ceiling.

CLIFF, OTTO, EDY, and JUDY
(in unison)
No!

Judy turns to Cliff.

JUDY
Are you willing to be in my custody
in return for no charges being brought?

Judy flash opens her judicial gown to reveal she is wearing sexy underwear underneath the robe.

CLIFF
I’m willing to learn my lesson.

OTTO
Good. Then all’s well that ends
well.

ELIVS (o.s.)
Not exactly.

Otto, Cliff, Judy, and Edy look at the ceiling.

OTTO, EDY, JUDY, and CLIFF
(in unison)
Shut up!

OTTO
That’s the end of the movie.

Judy removes her judicial robe and puts on jeans and a shirt.

Cliff removes his clothes, revealing he is wearing women’s undergarments, and puts on fans and a shirt.

EDY
We’ll just stand here and watch you as
you leave.

Judy exits.

Cliff exits.

Otto grabs some popcorn from a table.

OTTO
We’ll eat some popcorn.

Otto offers some popcorn to Edy.

EDY
I wanted candy.

ELVIS (o.s.)
I told you to buy both.

OTTO
You didn’t tell me that.

EDY
Yes I did. You never listen
to me. I wanted to melt
the chocolate and pour
it on our naked bodies.

OTTO
We can do that during the
credits.

EDY
And where are the
drinks?

ELVIS (o.s.)
Cheapskate.

Otto faces the camera.

OTTO
We will now show you a clip
from our next movie “The
Queens Idiots Drive Off a
Cliff”.

EXT. CLIFF - DAY

A car drives off a cliff, crashes, explodes and burns.

INT. QUEENS COUNTY COURTHOUSE - CONTINUOUS - DAY

OTTO
For the record, that was not
us in the car.

EDY
We used a stunt double
named Elvis.

ELVIS (o.s.)
I still didn’t get any face time.

EDY
Because you were our stunt
double.

ELVIS (o.s.)
If I doubled for both of you,
how come I wasn’t paid twice?

OTTO
Our next movie may not be
released. There is a problem
with the script.

EDY
There is no script.

ELIVS (o.s.)
Now you tel me.

Otto looks into the camera and looks left and then right.

OTTO
Are they all gone?

EDY
No. I think there’s some people still
out there.

Otto moves closer to the camera and looks left and right

Edy moves closer to the camera and looks right and left.

OTTO
What do you think they want?

EDY
Maybe they think something funny
is going to happen

ELVIS (o.s.)
Why start now?

OTTO
Well, they can stay. But we
have to leave.

EDY
If there is another showing of
this movie, go buy another ticket.

OTTO
We, though, have to leave. We
have a business to run. We’re
professionals.

EDY
What could possibly go wrong?

FADE OUT.